Quod me nutrit, me destruit

Btw; I'm beginning the hospitaldiet on monday. You can lose 13 kg's in 3 weeks. I'm soo desperate to lose weight, I'll try this.

We are stars now.

WE ARE STARS NOW!

They love you when you're on all the covers
When you're not then they love another


The drugs they say
are made in California
We love your face
We'd really like to sell you
The cops and queers
make good-looking models
I hate today
Who will I wake up with tomorrow?



Marilyn Manson - Dope Show

Love that song<3. Everyday since i've posted i've b&p'ed atleast 2 times a day.. I took 30 laxatives yesterday, my stumach HURTS! I woke up 14 times at night, although I went to bed at 2 am and woke up when it was 10 am..

This boy I liked, has a girlfriend. Before he had told me they didn't live together anymore, because of a fight.. And now he says they kinda still live together. He asked if I was in love with him, I've never been in love with anyone, that counted for him too. I try to expect nothing from others, so I won't be hurt.. But this hurted me, because he knew about my ED. He didn't tell me things, he lied. I try not to care, I try NOT to care.

I weighed 64.1 kg after b&p. 4 KG overweight, i'm fat. I already knew that, to deal with my emotions now, I dance. I put on mtv and start to dance, just to get rid of all my thoughts and dance it away.

My highest weight was 74 kg, I'm more depressed now when I weigh 64.. I feel uglier now, I know I'm prettier then I was then. Oh hell yeah, thats forsure. I had a bmi of 30?! once. WTF. And now i'm getting healthy :]. in a fucking wrong way, with mia.. I try not to eat. I TRY! But its hard, I've once fasted for 2 days on coffee & water. :]

It's vacation now and I want to wear a cute outfit with this pants which don't fit YET. So I'll need to lose a lot of weight. And I've skirts that are getting too big, I never wore them to school, only in other countries on vacation, because I think everyone will laugh at me and remember me as the one with the ugly thighs. I love some exercises, because thats the only time I can see my bones. My collarbones show more now, our collarbones in the family are bones that stick out. I've got those, I love my bones. I hate the fat hanging around my belly, thighs, ass, arms.

This wednesday I'm going to London or Germany or Spain. We haven't decided yet. I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM quik (DYINGBECAUSEOFTHEPAIN). and need to let my dog out.

Byee. <3

Poem; writing; me?

I must love you

Your soul is gone, your body is eaten by worms
Your heart is home, your life has run away
I look up, hoping for a place above, called heaven
A miracle happend that day,
we could feel your spirit flying up and up
While I know you look down to us,
live your new life,
be happy and don't you dare to cry!
Grandfather, this is my last goodbye

- 11:27 7 July 2009
- Edited on: 11 Februari 2010, 22:45

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One, two, three
One broken heart in a lost soul
Two burning bloodveins in her body
Two burning soldiers in her head
Three first cuts
Three last cuts
Three last words

- 11:28 7 July 2009

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Hearts.
To protect hidden treasures
Keep me away
For you and others
Stay now awake
And we shall live brothers

- 16:26 10 July 2010
- Edited on: 11 Februari 2010, 22:45 (Added word: ''shall'')


--
Note: I'm not good or anything like that, I just like to write my thoughts down.

Guitars.

Mia can be a bitch, I love her sister, Ana.. She's with me the whole day, until I see that pie.. Which I ate and ate and ate, then Mia came and made me puke it out.
Mia, I love you.

I'll try not to binge anymore.. By this:
* Eating 6 times a day;

* Decreae calorie intake to 600 cals a day;
* 100 crunches a day;
* 2 hours to the gym every week..

The movie ''Secret between friends'' is about 2 girls who get anorexia with bulimic tendencies. One girl gets recovery, the other dies at the end. Oh, just watch the movie, I'm not a good writer. But I'd wish I knew someone with an ED, so we could just relate and do stuff together. I would never want someone to have an ED, even not my enemy, but I would've liked a friend who understood me. I still want a friend who understands me.
-BTW I STUFFED MYSELF TODAY TWICE! AND PUKED IT BOTH OUT><>

I like a guy, I really like him..
But I don't know if he's using me, theres a big age difference. And even if he's using me, I need love or even someone's precence right now.. ''I think about you everyday, my heart jumps at the thought, I blush and get sheepish red, when I talk to you I don't know what i'm saying. My hearts starts pounding & it's racing.. I try to control my cheeks, but all they do is turn red. I try not to look at you, but I always peek. And if it would be the last time I looked you in the eyes I would kiss you goodbye forever and never. '' I think i'll search on the internet on how to write poetry.. And i'll post some old poems, writings,.


<3

A glimpse of my mind.

A little glimpse of my mind.

I weighed 64.5 kg today. Fat cow, pig, freak, ugly, shitty, fucking fat huge neverloved&the-she-will-never-be-loved girl.
I didn't eat anything today, I had 2 cups of coffee and that's it. But why do I still feel fat?
I want summer, summer, a summer with happiness.
LOST! I love Lost, aaah. Can't wait for episodes, I'm addicted!

I want to feel more conected to ana. To my best friend, who I tell everything.


A fat girl, that is who I am. That's not what I want to be known as.. Someone said today I should pinch my own fat, instead of slapping him, I hate him, I want to kill him. I'm not sure if he had said that, but that's what I heard.. And second my bestfriend 1 and I were sitting next to eachother in class and I wanted to go to the bathroom. I tried to pass by her, but the table and her chair were too close for me to fit. I am too fat to get through that.. Then when I came back, I tried to fit through that space again, she didn't even look, like I was struggling to get through, she was just working and there I sat again, with my bottle of water. She looked angry at me, God knows why.

And after school another friend 2 wanted to go eat something, I said I wasn't hungry. She insisted, she almost made me go. Then my socalled bestfriend 1 wanted to go shopping, then they got in an argue. Which i didn't get, we could just go buy some junkfood (ofcourse I wouldn't eat that!) and go shopping. Then she made a excuse not to go shopping, she said she was really hungry and that she wanted to go home. I asked, 'Why would you go home? You can eat here too..' She didn't answer, then friend 1 said, 'if you don't want to go shopping, then just tell us.' Then they got in an argue and we said goodbye to friend 2, immediatly she started to gossip.
I think my socalled bestfriend gossips about me .. If she can gossip about her other bestfriend, why wouldn't she about me?

I hope I'll weigh 64 kg tomorrow or hopefully lower. I'm scared to eat, to gain weight.. I just want to feel pretty. I want to feel okay, I want to be thin.

A glimpse of my mind.
Ana? 'Yes, my dear?' Will you make me beautiful? 'Ofcourse, I'll make you just as pretty as I am. You'll be even prettier then me one day.' I should never tell them, should I? 'Never, never, tell them, you'll lie and lie more. You will be pretty, no one will stop you!' No, Ana, you're wrong.. No one will stop us. 'There you are wrong, hunny, I am already perfect, you aren't. You are just fat, fat, fat. Do you see those girls with bones ?! Hard as stone, not buried in fat? They are perfect' I am not. I am not. I am not pretty. I will never be pretty if you leave.. 'That's why I am here, I am here for you.'

Ana, I love you, even though you make me sick. I love you, your sister would kill me if I didn't. I love you, you lit my light on. You made me. But deep inside I hate you, I know i'll never be enough.. I'll never be pretty enough, you make me sick! You make me feel sick when I eat. You made your sister come along, she makes me sick too! I hate you with all my heart, just like I hate myself..
But every moment that I hate myself, is a moment when my love for you is at it's fullest. You are killing me and I am helping you.

Love,
moí.

/Perhaps if i was smaller; just a little bit thinner and maybe i'd get there./

Oh, I wish I was pretty.

Vampire Diaries, isnt Alena just perfect?

I drank 1 cup of black cofffee and 2 cups of mocca today. Thats so yummy and I it made me less hungry. Yay, so it seems I didnt have free time today.. Oh, tomorrow we are free at 12.30 or something like that. So then I can leave home at 14.30 and go to the gym for 3-4 hours and then study for my test. Being thin is everything. I have gained that shitty bingestuff, so it will probably go away tomorrow. I hope so.

I will post pictures and drawings, once my new scanner has arrived. And my back hurt today like shit! I was kinda dying, even though its not that time of the month, lol. And even if it was it would be strange, because my back never aches, even not at that time of the month. And it hurts so bad, far more worse then hunger! I like hunger. Hunger makes me feel pretty, I saw this bony girl walking today, I felt jalous, my legs are atleast 10 times bigger. I wish I was her.

After school, I went shopping with some friends, I saw this picture of a girl with beautiful, perfect, slim legs and talked about that pretty skirt she was wearing. So my friends said the photo was photoshopped, but I did not believe it. Because my bestfriends are so thin, are perfect, they are almost BONES. But they eat, they eat shitty food, junk food and do not gain a pound! I wish I could be them, so pretty, so skinny..

Love,
moi.

/Skinny is sexy, sweet anorexia. Big isnt beautiful./

Screwed up..

I binged 3 times yesterday, purged it all out. Today went bad, wrong, hateful and I wished I could dissapear.. Tomorrow i'm fasting and going to the gym, school is ending earlier the day, so I can go to the gym for a couple of hours..

This life hurts so bad, tonight 500 sit-ups and other exercises. I need to buy a jumprope, I'm going to make a to do list.. Theres this guy, which is amazing great, but all we talk about is ''naughty''. But I like him[in a wrong way, very naughty way..], I guess i'll have to find a way to makes this work. If not we may just stay friend or ... But theres this other guy, I see him everyday, I've never talked to him. But he always looks at me and I look at him. Maybe we will never talk, but if theres a chance that I see him alone one day and there aren't so many people around, I'll go up to him and start a talk.

I lost 1 pound, think I gained it all back today =( GOD I COULDN'T FIND ANY COFFEE TODAY! And I had left my money at home.. I loaned some money from friends, but the coffeemachine didn't had any cups left :( I was almost going to take the coffee out of a strangers hand..

TO DO this week:
- Buy a jumprope
- Buy new laxatives
- Talk to him..
- Lose 4 pounds
- Go to the gym for in total 6 hours.

And I'm going to lie to my therapist, so he'll think i'm fine and so my mom will think i'm fine. I'm pretending i'm fine, I stopped cutting that's true. But Mia hasn't left yet and she will not ever leave me alone. Who am I without her?

Love,
Miss Forgetable.